Man, I miss Molly Ivins.\r\nIvins was a Dallas, TX, based political humorist who wrote for the Texas Observer, The New York Times, the Dallas Times Herald and finally, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. She died a year after Ann Richards, Texas\u2019 last Democratic governor, in 2007. To my mind, those two deaths signal an end of an era of sensible liberalism and, dare I say, decorum. They held sway during the heady \u201890s, when the economy was strong, Al Qaeda was overseas, and all we had to worry about was what Bill Clinton\u2019s definition of the word \u201cis\u201d was.\r\nRichards and Ivins ruled Texas, where I lived as a teenager, and they were sharp, both in mind and in tongue. Remember, Ivins is the one who referred to George W. Bush as \u201cShrub.\u201d\r\nI wonder what she\u2019d call Trump (lately I\u2019ve been leaning toward \u201cBad Touch Donnie,\u201d but I\u2019m not sure if it\u2019s too grim).\r\nThis week, I wondered aloud how I could write about Trump\u2019s little \u201clocker room\u201d scandal from last weekend without simply repeating what so many other, better writers have said before me.\r\nMy teenager advised me to do the following: write about how I like to walk into her and her sister\u2019s rooms when they\u2019re changing clothes under the guise of \u201cinspecting\u201d their room conditions in order to sneak a peek at their bodies, and about how I used to \u201cgrab them by the diaper\u201d when they were toddlers.\r\n\u201cIt\u2019ll be like you\u2019re Trump,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019ll be hilarious.\u201d\r\nLike, for instance I could say, \u201cWhen I\u2019m around my girls, I make sure to have a Tic Tac in my mouth, just in case I just start kissing them. That\u2019s the thing about being a mom. You can kiss your kids whenever you want to.\u201d\r\n\u201cI like it,\u201d I nodded. \u201cLet me think about it.\u201d\r\nBut, here\u2019s the rub:\r\n1. I don\u2019t do room inspections. Good Lord, I can barely walk into their rooms without going into a hot rage as it is. I almost fell over the wastebasket in my younger daughter\u2019s room this morning when I went in to wake her. I cussed not inaudibly, and vowed to not look around too closely after I managed to find the light switch and turn it on. Because:\r\n1.A. Why was the wastebasket in the middle of the\r\nfloor?\r\n1.B. Why was a blanket wrapped around the wastebas-\r\nket? And,\r\n1.C. If I had fallen, would the blanket have been the\r\ncause or the cushion?\r\n1.1. Despite the fact that the girls are forbidden to have food or anything to drink other than water in their bedrooms, there always seems to be a potato chip bag sticking out from under someone\u2019s bed and something moldy growing in a glass on the nightstand. Which means that:\r\n1.1.A. They are actively defying me. And,\r\n1.1.B. They are too lazy to bother to cover up their\r\ncrimes. Which follows that they:\r\n1.1.B.1. Think I\u2019m a sucker. And,\r\n1.1.B.2. Are probably right.\r\n2. Have you ever lived with pre-adolescent and adolescent girls? These are the most modest creatures on the planet. I\u2019m not even Donald Trump, and if I walk into a room while either of these girls are changing their clothes, they will cover themselves so fast it\u2019ll make your head spin.\r\nIn fact, I\u2019m pretty sure that whole business where you change your shirt while wearing another shirt on top of it was invented by an adolescent girl.\r\nWhat I\u2019m saying is, if I was there to leer, I would be sorely irritated and, no doubt, disappointed.\r\nWhich brings me to \u201cgrabbing them by the diaper.\u201d I\u2019ve fiddled with the phrase all week, and frankly, the only thing it makes me think of is grabbing them by the overall straps when they were tots. Which, by the way, is some truly effective kid wrangling if you ask me.\r\nBut really, I think the real reason I\u2019m grappling with the joke is that it\u2019s just not funny. A couple of years ago, when I\u2019d read about the former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi\u2019s Bunga Bunga parties in Vanity Fair magazine, I\u2019d just laugh and shake my head.\r\n\u201cThose Mediterraneans,\u201d I\u2019d tut, \u201cthey need to get it together.\u201d\r\nBut now, Berlusconi and even Slick Willie of the Lewinski days seem quaint don\u2019t they?\r\nI wonder what Molly Ivins would say.