World’s Okayest Mom

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I don’t want to brag, but, I’m really a pretty okay, less than average, okay-fine-at-least-I’m-not-addicted-to-crack, mom. Yeah. I’m pretty average.

It’s cool.

It’s pretty easy to be an okay mom. You have to stock your pantry and refrigerator with a nice balance of fresh vegetables and Little Debbies, and then you have to cook pasta all week long. Don’t worry. Kids love pasta. But, listen, you aren’t a horrible mom, so you have to throw out the rotten vegetables before they begin to pool liquid in the veggie bin.

Here’s how to do laundry: just do it. Use those Tide pods that kill toddlers and dogs, because if your children and dogs aren’t smart enough to not eat something stored with the cleaning supplies, well then, that’s just Darwin right there. Who are we to interfere? Anyway, just do the laundry, load after load. You don’t even need baskets! Because:

When the load comes out of the dryer, simply carry it in your arms to the couch and drop it there. See? Done! Perfect. Clean clothes for everyone!

Next comes cleaning. Here’s how I clean: I make my kids do it. Boom. Now, they’re not very good at it, but it doesn’t matter. As long as we have at least one meal’s worth of plates and forks, and there is a path to the front door in case of a fire, we’re good to go.

I have to admit, this one’s a little hard: you have to let go of your ego and your preconceived notions of what “clean” is. Your version of clean will never be featured in a magazine, or even be suitable to post on Facebook. But, you’ll adjust: you just make sure all the pictures of your kids are cropped close to their faces so that no one can see what’s happening behind them.

You just have to get Zen with it. For instance, when you unroll your yoga mat in the middle of the living room, make sure to remove all the Legos out from underneath. That way, you can meditate, which is a great thing to do as an okay mom, because you get to do it with your eyes closed!

Here are some more okay-mom tips:

• Don’t let your children listen to explicit rap lyrics until the summer before they go to middle school. Young children need to be protected from foul language, and they need to know when and where to use it (not in front of you). However, by the time they reach middle school, they will need to have heard an abundance of curse words, because otherwise, they will be devastated by the things they hear in the hallways. This is best done by letting them sit shotgun in your car, rolling down all the windows and turning up Ice Cube’s “AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted” at full volume for the entire month of July.

But, you also have to talk about feminism and racism and make sure your kids know how to be good citizens and that they are not actually Ice Cube. Ice Cube isn’t even Ice Cube anymore, so why should they behave that way?

• Keep your checkbook handy at all times. Don’t just go around thinking that you don’t need checks anymore because you have a debit card. Checks are for book orders, yearbooks, fundraisers, T-shirts, choir costumes, band uniforms, ballet slippers and paying off the soccer coach so your kid can get some playing time. Just write “trophy” in the memo line.

• Speaking of checks, here’s a secret: you don’t actually have to sell Girl Scout cookies, Yankee candles, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, wrapping paper, mixed nuts, Christmas wreaths or even popcorn. Just write the school or club a check and move on. This can also be applied to fundraisers in your own adult life. Get yourself some decent stationary and then, whenever you’re invited to an event, send your regrets and a $15 check; no one can get too mad at you, and then you’re free to sit at home and watch Netflix while you eat cheese in your exercise clothes like a normal person.

• Get a gym membership. Never go.

• Get a Kroger rewards card. Shop at Walmart.

• Start a garden with your kids. Stop watering it in June. Use the experience as a way to teach your kids what happens to living things when you don’t take care of them.

• Take them to swimming lessons. The sooner they know how to swim, the sooner you can relax.

• Teach them to drive and then send them to the grocery store. They’ll be so excited to drive your car they won’t even realize they’re helping you out.

Look, all you have to do is give 70 percent of yourself, most of the time. I believe in you. Here’s a motto to get you all fired up: You Can Probably Do It, Unless You Don’t Feel Like It Today!