Remember that time, oh, about a week ago, when I was extolling how busy I was, but it was okay because I knew everything?
Yeah. Me too.
But here’s what I forgot to tell you: that night, I sent my family to White Sulphur Springs for our younger daughter’s soccer game, which was an odd thing to do, since the game was at the State fairgrounds.
The next night, I went to pick up my older daughter from dance class at 5:45. I got there a couple minutes early, around 5:40, so I sauntered in, ready to look like the good mom I am.
She was gone.
I texted her sternly, demanding to know where she was. Turns out, class was over at 5:30 and I wasn’t there, so she’d gone to a friend’s house. That class has been over at 5:30 for the last three years, so…
Anyway. Those two little things got me thinking about all the ways I manage to screw up. So, without further ado, here are all the other things I’ve gotten wrong this week:
• I wore an entire Adidas track suit out in public, in an only slightly ironic way, and then got my feelings hurt when people teased me about it. I thought I looked like a Royal Tenenbaum, all ironically chic, like this:

but I’m afraid I actually ended up looking like this:euro-russian-adidas

• I lost another pair of sunglasses.
• I wore sandals when it rained and a sweater on the day it was 80 degrees.
• I bought a pair of Underarmour leggings instead of paying the electric bill.
• One day this week, I forgot to turn on the coffee pot when I was making coffee. The next day, I forgot to put the water in.
• I made an awkward joke to a male acquaintance, who just looked at me and didn’t say anything. Then, I doubled down on the banter and inadvertently sexually harassed him.
• I tried to eat clean but accidentally ate nothing but Little Debbies all week.
• I let my kid stay home when she wasn’t sick, and then, two days later, forced her to go to school when she actually was.
• I remarked to my Asian friend how strange it was that her son had blonde hair and then I had to immediately apologize for being accidentally racist.
• I’ve been late to absolutely every meeting I’ve attended this week.
Anyway, all these errors have deepened my commitment to spending practically, holding my tongue, reading my calendar and adopting a less freewheeling approach to fashion.
We’ll see how that goes. Wish me luck.


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