I said to my co-worker today, “Man, you should have seen all the deer I didn’t hit when I was driving home last night!”
“Yes!” she commiserated. “I had to drive to Williamsburg last week and I felt like I was in a video game!”
Then we started talking about Pokemon Go. Is anyone talking about anything else this week (I mean other than Important News Items that are relevant to the Future and/or Downfall of our Civilization)?
I was going to write about Pokemon Go on the Friars Hill Traffic Report, but I realized that I don’t know a Pikachu from a Jirachi. Then I thought I might spend the day learning about those things – FOR RESEARCH – but some folks from FEMA and the Small Business Association showed up to talk about media outreach for flood relief, so that distracted me from my task.
All I know is I think Woody Hanna’s house should be a Pokemon gym. Whatever that means.
Anyway, when my co-worker said she felt like she was in a video game, I immediately caught her drift. I’ve often thought there should be a Grand Theft Auto-Friars Hill, where you drive your stolen pickup truck through the curves at breakneck speed, trying to avoid cops while dodging wild – and domesticated – animals and giant potholes.
I think I’ve told you this before, but it bears repeating: you never know what you’re going to run into around the next curve when driving on the Friars Hill Road. I’ve flown around a turn and encountered a herd of cattle. More than once.
Since I drive the road almost every day, I’ve given a lot of thought to how to gain and lose points in Grand Theft Auto-Friars Hill. For instance, I think that if you hit a possum, you should gain points. Now don’t go sending me letters about how we shouldn’t hate possums just because they’re ugly. I’m sorry. They are ugly. And judging from the number of them dead on the roadways, they’re not too bright. So, yeah, hit a possum, get a point.
Hitting any of the other animals results in losing points or exploding your car. I think it works out like this: chipmunks, chickens and squirrels yield about a five point loss. When the cops are behind you, ya just gotta plow through ‘em. Raccoons yield a 50 point loss, because they’re so cute (my cute critter prejudice is becoming apparent here), and a fox is a 500 point loss because they’re so rare. Unless they’re rabid and hissing at you. Then, you gain 250 points for taking them out.
See? It’s nuanced.
Obviously, if you hit a deer, bear or cow, you blow up. If you hit a rooster, I think you should gain some points, but not very many.
And, if you hit a skunk, sorry kid, it’s game over. (The game should have a “whomp whomp whooooommmmmmp” sound when this occurs.)
If you hit a bobcat, you level up. (Don’t worry! I’ve only seen two bobcats in 12 years.)
So what happens when you level up?
You get bigger tires and more gas in your tank! Boom. Maybe you get a case of Natural Light for the back of the truck and one of those funny-smelling, roll-your-own cigarettes. I don’t know.
Obviously – and by “obviously” I mean I’ve never played Grand Theft Auto, but this is my made-up game, so whatever – the object is to outrun the Friars Hill Unincorporated Police Tactical Auto Theft Unit (FHUPTATU). This can be done.
Every road on Friars Hill Road comes out somewhere else. Well, every road but one. If you purchase my “Grand Theft Auto-Friars Hill Hacks for Beating the FHUPTATU” e-book, available for $9.99 on Amazon.com, you will find out the ONE road on Friars Hill that has no outlet. I’m sorry that I cannot share that here, but I’ve got to make a living.
The game has levels. Level 12 takes you to Cold Knob. And, I’ll tell you, if you can get from 219 to Richwood over Cold Knob, without hitting a cow, deer, pothole, bear or raccoon, and lose the cops somewhere by the windmills, you win. All I ask is that you call me on the telephone and tell me how the hell you did it.