Friars Hill Traffic Report: Y’all can thank Faye in Maryland

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I’m back, witches!

So, how are ya?

I’m sure a lot of you were hoping that I’ve been banned from publishing the Traffic Report due to my offensive, left wing missives. Sadly for you, I wasn’t. Granted, my boss did ask me to take it down a notch, and those of you who know me know that’s a just a little bit hard for me to do.

And I’ve been really busy. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling people.

The truth is, during the couple years (!!!) I spent writing this thing, I got myself in trouble with my family, local politicians, area law enforcement and some churches. Personally, I think this means I’m doing a great job, but somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew that hurting my family members’ feelings was no way to make a living, and maybe I’d be better off just keeping a journal.

Except I didn’t, because I hate writing (I know).

So, instead I just kept busy at my *other* job as a desk jockey here at the Mountain Messenger while fielding the occasional phone call from my adoring public, one of whom would call about once a month, or stop me in the grocery store, where they’d say, “I sure miss your column!”

Then, they’d sort of lean in and whisper, “Did they make you stop writing it?”

Well, kind of.

Look. (I’ve talked about this before.) Comedy comes from pain. Pain comes from the everyday stress of seeing people I love and care about suffering. And, the way my sense of humor works, the best way to combat that kind of pain is to laugh at it, declaw it, if you will. However, like I said before, sometimes when you declaw your pain, you inadvertently give weapons to your enemies, who then call you at the newspaper and say really hurtful things like, “Can you connect me to your boss?” or “I’d like to cancel my subscription.”

But, in the immortal words of Channing Tatum, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

I’m still the editor of this !@#$% esteemed newspaper.

So, I’m about to tell y’all what I really think (do you realize the last time we talked we thought Hillary Clinton was going to be president?):

Can you believe that freaking [redacted]. Never in my entire life did I think that [redacted].

And then, [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] Kellyanne Conway [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].

But, I know we [redacted] will persevere. I’m sure of it. Everywhere, hiding in these hills and hollers, are people like us, who believe that [redacted] [redacted].

Look for them. And remember, don’t let the [redacted]  get you down. I won’t either.

  • • •

Thank you Faye Beard! I got your message, and yours was the straw that broke this camel’s back! If you want to read this thing, well then, I reckon I’ll write it.