Bon Mots from the Twittersphere

I don’t Tweet. This is one of the many things that differentiates me from our president elect, Donald Trump.

What I do instead, is quake in fear every morning when I listen to the news to hear what Trump has posted on Twitter the night before. I also read think pieces about how unprecedented it is to have a president sharing his unfiltered late-night thoughts with the general population.

Markets rise and fall on presidential statements, these articles say. Nations crumble, treaties fall away.

So, every morning, I look forward to hearing whether Trump has knocked the earth off of its axis yet (so far, so good), and wonder when someone is going to confiscate his phone. I mean, seriously, if we learned anything this election, it’s that anyone over 23 years old shouldn’t be allowed access to the internet, Twitter, Facebook or emails (I see you, Hillary), much less Instagram or Snapchat.

No, we adults should spend all our time on Pinterest, pinning succulent garden images to our “Garden” board and paleo recipes to our “Noms” board. That’s it.

You don’t see Martha Stewart tweeting, do you? (Be right back, going to check to see if Martha Stewart tweets. Okay, never mind. Apparently not only does she tweet, but she hangs out with Courtney Love. So! As always, Martha Stewart is the exception to the rule.)


Despite my obvious discomfort/schadenfreude/nihilism regarding Trump’s tweets, I’ve found his linguistic style seeping into my own writing.

For instance, when I wrote the headline to last week’s Monongahela wildfire story, I was incredibly tempted to add the word “Sad!” at the end. The headline would have read “Fire Burns in the Mon. Sad!”

Oh man, it would have been so much better!

What I’m getting at is maybe I should start a Trump Twitter parody account.

(Pause, for effect)

I know. It’s brilliant.

What’s that you say? Someone’s already done that? Oh. Well, mine would be good too.

Let me just dash off some practice tweets. I’ll focus on the local political and business scene so that you can really get into it with me.

• Fidel Castro is dead! (Oh wait, that’s one of his.)

• Ray Canterbury lost to Stephen Baldwin! Kids will continue to get free lunch. Welfare society at work! Sad!

• I refuse to say that any of the area politicians are unattractive. That would be sexist! Men need to make things more business friendly!

• The historical society needs to let the car dealership fly their balloons. Of course they move their inventory to Fairlea four times a year. It’s smart!

• Lewisburg used to be the coolest small town. That was then! Sad. We need to make Lewisburg great again!

• I never called anyone in town a bimbo! That would be politically incorrect!

• Spanxgiving insulted the Christian holiday of Thanksgiving! Drag queens and overweight women must be ordered out of the county! We need to build a wall!

Oh man! Those are super fun!

How about you all do some Trump Tweets and shoot them over to me at I won’t publish them, but maybe I’ll have a chuckle and send you a good old email “LOL.”

Which, Grandma Clinton, means “laugh out loud,” not “lots of love.” Go check your email, honey.

And, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go pin some Christmas tablescapes to my Pinterest board.

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