Bon Mots from the Twittersphere\r\n\r\nI don\u2019t Tweet. This is one of the many things that differentiates me from our president elect, Donald Trump.\r\n\r\nWhat I do instead, is quake in fear every morning when I listen to the news to hear what Trump has posted on Twitter the night before. I also read think pieces about how unprecedented it is to have a president sharing his unfiltered late-night thoughts with the general population.\r\n\r\nMarkets rise and fall on presidential statements, these articles say. Nations crumble, treaties fall away.\r\n\r\nSo, every morning, I look forward to hearing whether Trump has knocked the earth off of its axis yet (so far, so good), and wonder when someone is going to confiscate his phone. I mean, seriously, if we learned anything this election, it\u2019s that anyone over 23 years old shouldn\u2019t be allowed access to the internet, Twitter, Facebook or emails (I see you, Hillary), much less Instagram or Snapchat.\r\n\r\nNo, we adults should spend all our time on Pinterest, pinning succulent garden images to our \u201cGarden\u201d board and paleo recipes to our \u201cNoms\u201d board. That\u2019s it.\r\n\r\nYou don\u2019t see Martha Stewart tweeting, do you? (Be right back, going to check to see if Martha Stewart tweets. Okay, never mind. Apparently not only does she tweet, but she hangs out with Courtney Love. So! As always, Martha Stewart is the exception to the rule.)\r\n\r\nAnyway.\r\n\r\nDespite my obvious discomfort\/schadenfreude\/nihilism regarding Trump\u2019s tweets, I\u2019ve found his linguistic style seeping into my own writing.\r\n\r\nFor instance, when I wrote the headline to last week\u2019s Monongahela wildfire story, I was incredibly tempted to add the word \u201cSad!\u201d at the end. The headline would have read \u201cFire Burns in the Mon. Sad!\u201d\r\n\r\nOh man, it would have been so much better!\r\n\r\nWhat I\u2019m getting at is maybe I should start a Trump Twitter parody account.\r\n\r\n(Pause, for effect)\r\n\r\nI know. It\u2019s brilliant.\r\n\r\nWhat\u2019s that you say? Someone\u2019s already done that? Oh. Well, mine would be good too.\r\n\r\nLet me just dash off some practice tweets. I\u2019ll focus on the local political and business scene so that you can really get into it with me.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Fidel Castro is dead! (Oh wait, that\u2019s one of his.)\r\n\r\n\u2022 Ray Canterbury lost to Stephen Baldwin! Kids will continue to get free lunch. Welfare society at work! Sad!\r\n\r\n\u2022 I refuse to say that any of the area politicians are unattractive. That would be sexist! Men need to make things more business friendly!\r\n\r\n\u2022 The historical society needs to let the car dealership fly their balloons. Of course they move their inventory to Fairlea four times a year. It\u2019s smart!\r\n\r\n\u2022 Lewisburg used to be the coolest small town. That was then! Sad. We need to make Lewisburg great again!\r\n\r\n\u2022 I never called anyone in town a bimbo! That would be politically incorrect!\r\n\r\n\u2022 Spanxgiving insulted the Christian holiday of Thanksgiving! Drag queens and overweight women must be ordered out of the county! We need to build a wall!\r\n\r\nOh man! Those are super fun!\r\n\r\nHow about you all do some Trump Tweets and shoot them over to me at email@example.com. I won\u2019t publish them, but maybe I\u2019ll have a chuckle and send you a good old email \u201cLOL.\u201d\r\n\r\nWhich, Grandma Clinton, means \u201claugh out loud,\u201d not \u201clots of love.\u201d Go check your email, honey.\r\n\r\nAnd, if you\u2019ll excuse me, I\u2019m going to go pin some Christmas tablescapes to my Pinterest board.