By Tanya Hazelwood
Knocking On Heaven’s Door
I recently looked death in the face, no with my life, but with my daughter’s and I have to tell you. It puts things in perspective. All the times I was so careless with my own life. How I took it for granted. Not thinking of anyone else but myself and how, if I were to have died it would have affected someone else.
It brings to mind the time when my husband and I were first dating. About a couple months into the relationship things got really confusing for him. He was taken completely out of his comfort zone by moving to Greenbrier County and away from the lifestyle he was living. At the time, drinking, his buddies and partying and bars were his priority. So he left. He went back to Monroe County and I was devastated. I had finally got a taste of what real love felt like, what a good guy was and in an instant it was gone. So what did I do? Ran straight to the bar. I specifically went to the bar and parked where I knew he would pass on his way home from work and in my mind he would see my car and stop and at least talk to me and maybe I could get him to come home to me. So I started doing shots. The time for him to pass came and went and I never saw him. The shots kept coming.
During that time I was prescribed Xanax to help me sleep. I took them every night and that was the only way I could get rest. My mind raced too much, but I didn’t take them like you were supposed to. Nope I snorted mine. It hit me quicker and after a while I began to realize I absolutely could not sleep unless I did that. Well, after all the shots and the sadness kicked in I went home and decided that I was done. I took a handful of the pills, wrote a note on my bathroom mirror telling him how much I loved him and sent him a text pic of what I was about to do. I remember laying in my living room floor with a large butcher knife from the kitchen wanting to just slit my wrists, but didn’t have the courage to do so.
Things started to fade and I waited for death to come. I must have also texted another friend of mine because I believe they contacted my parents and they came rushing to my house. The next couple hours were kind of a blur, but I recall my parents picking me up from the floor and putting me in the shower and I just kept crying about how much I loved Daniel. Then at some point the cops and ambulance showed up. I never went to the hospital or jail or even a psych evaluation. Nope, I conned everyone into thinking I only took one or two pills and was fine. They let my parents take me home with them. How I didn’t die that day or any of the other days I tempted God and death, I’ll never know. I assume now it’s because of God’s plan for me.
But thinking back to those moments in my life, being so careless with something as precious as life, makes me sick to my stomach. In the hospital when I begged God not to take my child, don’t think for a second I didn’t think that this was it. All the times I did those stupid things, now losing my daughter was my way of being punished and taught a lesson on how valuable life is. How valuable sobriety is. But that’s not the way my story ended. We all came home and I have more appreciation for life than I ever have. I can’t tell you I will never drink alcohol again, I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I do know, I love life today and forever.