By Tanya Hazelwood
Just like in the cartoons I have an angel and a devil on each shoulder. They are in constant battle. Most of the time the little devil on my left shoulder was on steroids and always won the fight. You would think that since I’ve stopped drinking this would stop, but, in reality it’s probably worse than ever. Only, this time my cute little right shoulder angel is armed with sobriety, clear mind and has developed an awesome right hook.
As funny as what I just stated sounds, it’s the truth. My mind is a scary place to be. Always a battle between good and evil. My demon wants to kill me. My demon tells me constantly that it will be ok just to have one drink, it won’t hurt me. My demon tells me constantly that I can go get some booze and drink it and no one will ever know. My demon tells me that I’ve been sober long enough that I have this under control. My demon tells me to lie, lie, lie. This is the same demon that told me that I was worthless, no one loved me, I would be better off dead, there was no God, and I didn’t have an alcohol problem. I despise this demon. I wish I could take a pill or just get over it, but I cannot. My demon is my disease and is the only one people get mad at you for having. There is no cure or quick fix. It’s up to me and me alone to control it. With this evil imp on my shoulder, sometimes it’s a very hard task. I know without a doubt all it’s going to take is that first drink and I am done.
I was at the fair this past week with a group of friends. One of them had a cup of alcohol and I didn’t know that’s what it was. I went to take a drink because I was thirsty and my best friend came out of nowhere like a super hero in slow motion and grabbed the cup out of my hand and shouted “nooooooooooooooooo.” She explained what was in it and said “I knew if you got that first taste it was over.” She was absolutely right. Being at the fair was hard enough, sober but had that liquor hit my lips I believe I would have caved. She doesn’t know this fully, but she saved my life.
However, my little right shoulder angel is getting stronger and stronger with each passing day. She is my light, my soul, my sense and love. She tells me that I am worth it. That people love me and are proud of me. She shows me that since I’ve stopped drinking my life has sky rocketed. I’ve put her on the back burner for far too long and now I am relying on her more than ever. She reminds me constantly that there are so many people routing for me and the fear of disappointing everyone keeps me on track. I’ve invested too much to turn back now. I still don’t trust myself, or that demon I should say and I am on guard 24/7.
My life is much better but is by no means peaches and cream. I’ve found myself in several drama filled situations due to other’s alcohol consumption but am happy to say, was the sober one of the bunch and it felt fantastic!
My mother gets frustrated with me a bit. She’s always wanting me to say that I will be sober forever and I tell her I can’t make that promise but I am sober today. I can’t guarantee I will even be alive tomorrow but I am alive today. Alive, sober and free.