By Tanya Hazelwood
Sometimes when people want to know my story of recovery, I have to first tell the story of why I drank in the first place. That isn’t just one story. It’s a combination of many stories, some I’ve already shared with you, some I haven’t, but all play a very significant role in my life.
Recently I met a group of wonderful young ladies that let me tell those stories. Speaking with them, reminded me of who I once was, and maybe a little more why I was the way I was. I used to think I was the only person in the world going through situations or the only person in the world who felt the way I did. These girls proved I was wrong. So many people in this world struggle with things and feel all alone. I’m not confident that if in the beginning when I was 3 and being molested by a family friend that had I been counseled by a professional or just told that what I went through was wrong or it wasn’t my fault, that my life wouldn’t have turned out differently. Perhaps that’s where the snowball of chaos started in my life. I don’t want to place blame at anyone in my life at that time. They had no clue themselves in even how to handle it. I feel it is very important for children or even adults to be made aware that their struggles are not isolated.
I don’t remember ever really feeling like a child. I know my body was smaller, I’ve seen photos of me as a child but all of my memories have the same thinking mentality as I have now. Was my childhood stolen from me? I’ll never know, because what’s done is done and there’s no changing it. I can’t dwell on what could of, would of or should have been. I see that man that tainted my first memories of my life on occasion. He was never punished for what he did and I’m pretty sure he did it again to other girls and still goes on with his life. I would love to say I have forgiven him, but I’m not sure I have. I chose to forget. I would forget until I drank. And that was part of my alcoholism. But now I am sober and when it comes to my mind, it’s in situations like this. A healing type, where I can use my experience to help others. I’m ok now. I will always be ok.